February 10, 2015

a painfully honest post

When I wrote my blog post telling you guys that Mississippi Hippy was changing directions last week, I meant it. So I need to be totally honest with y'all, and this is NOT easy for me AT ALL. Today has been a rough day.  I've been thinking about throwing up my dinner for the past hour.  It just dawned on me that I should blog about it.  I promised transparency and honesty, so here it is.

I had a LONG day at work. After working late to tutor one of my 5th graders, I had to run some errands.  With Valentine's Day, Nick's birthday, and my mother-in-law's birthday all falling this weekend, I had some shopping to do. While running errands, I found out some tragic news that a college friend had lost her fiancĂ©. I needed to hug my husband, and I needed to hug him right then.

On the way home, I decided to stop by the grocery store to get the groceries to make Nick's favorite cake for him for his birthday since we won't be home this weekend to do it. I wanted to start celebrating him. I hung up his Avenger's Happy Birthday banner and had dinner and beer waiting when he got home. I was so happy to see that man walk through the door.  We ate the healthy dinner I made, and Nick played some Donkey Kong on the WiiU (his birthday present). 

Then came the cake.  The sugar-free (mostly), coconut cake.

When it came out of the oven, I cut a piece off for me before I put on the sweetened condensed milk, sugar-free vanilla icing, shaved coconut, and Coco Lopez on top.  I finished Nick's part of the cake and cut him a piece.  I then sat down with him and ate my icing-less piece of sugar-free cake.

Now, I feel GUILTY.  Terrible guilt.  Guilt enough to consider sticking my finger down my throat--something I haven't done since 2008.  It is still a battle.  Every. Single. Day.

You see, I've been trying to drop a few pounds lately.  Not because I'm fat, but because after I have gained 20 pounds since my wedding last March.  For my health, I needed to drop the weight and get back to the healthiest me.  I'm down 11 pounds.

It is absolutely ridiculous for me to be having the guilty thoughts for eating a sugar-free, icing-less piece of cake.  Deep down inside, I know that BALANCE is the key to a healthy and happy life, and I know that I will get through these feelings I'm having right now.  I will not throw up my dry piece of cake, and I REFUSE to waste the rest of my night feeling bad and being mad at myself.

I am stronger than the guilt. I am stronger than the anger, and I am most definitely stronger than Bulimia.

This, too, shall pass.  I'm human. Tomorrow is a new day. A dry piece of cake will not define me.



  1. Girl.....I feel your pain. My disorder was anorexia and I fight it on a lot of levels. Keep that strong faith and define yourself!!! You. Are. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

  2. I have been in that same place....MANY times. The hard thing (for me) is that it never gets any easier. I put on 12 pounds from June to November, and made the decision to stop the unhealthy eating and get back on track. I still have basically what I want, but in smaller portion sizes. The other night though, we had deep dish pizza, and I could not even enjoy it for worrying about how much sodium was in it, and what the scale would say the next morning. It makes me mad that food/eating controls my emotions like that....There is a quote that helps me a lot: "One bad meal won't make you gain weight, just like one healthy meal won't make you lose weight." I try to keep that in mind, and let myself have a "treat" from time to time.


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