balancing act

I do not like the circus. I am quite terrified of clowns, and I've never enjoyed watching people needlessly risk their precious lives walking a tight rope 100 feet in the air for the sake of entertainment.

That being said, the life lesson I have been learning lately is BALANCE. Life is a balancing act. Now, it's been a few years since I last took a gymnastics lesson, but I don't remember the balance beam ever being easy. Maybe I'm just clumsy...

Anyway...

Balance is hard, and I'm not talking about just food. Although, that's the hardest thing to balance for me. It's so hard to juggle work, relationships, chores, health, and everything else life brings along. Throw in having food issues and BAM--I'm a panic attack waiting to happen. I completely shut down. I'm sure everyone can relate.

After a long day of work, it is so incredibly difficult to come home and cook a healthy dinner that I won't feel guilty for eating and clean up the mess, work on my blog, do laundry, work out, and spend time with  my husband. STRESS. Like, only Wonder Woman could ever do all of that in a day. I can't even imagine having children to take care of on top of that. Seriously..how do people do it?

I'll tell you my secret--I don't. I think that's the key to balance. I'm learning that I can't do it all, and that's okay. I have to take it bit by bit and day by day. You don't run across the balance beam. You have to take it one step at a time. You build up to the tricks and turns.

So here's what happened yesterday...

Last weekend, I was balanced. I had been eating healthy and clean for weeks. After much distress, I decided I would eat the things I wanted in moderation since we were spending the weekend celebrating Nick's birthday, his mom's birthday, Valentine's Day, and Mardi Gras. While I didn't want to feel guilty for enjoying myself, I also didn't want to feel deprived all weekend. So I didn't, and everything was fine.

I got back on track on Tuesday when we returned to life as usual, but yesterday, I had to balance, again, due to situations beyond my control. I'm embarrassed to admit that it brought on full blown meltdown mode. Tears, cussing, screaming, jumping on and off the scale 3 times to see if I had gained any weight--RIDICULOUSNESS. If you're recovering from food and body issues like myself, and even if you're not, sometimes it just looks like a never ending battle facing you for the rest of your life. I just kept thinking, "Am I going to feel guilty for the rest of my life every time I eat something deemed 'unhealthy'?" "Am I going to have to live the rest of my life in fear of being obese again?"

After much coaching, supporting, and consoling, my superman of a husband talked me back down to reality. I am not fat. I am not going to gain every bit of weight I have lost back from a few chips and some bread. I am doing well and life happens. It's not a sprint. I changed my life 2 years ago when I started this. A meal not made completely of vegetables will not change that. I am beautiful.

Honestly, I don't know the answers to those questions that pop in my brain when I've eaten something "bad", and that's really scary. I do, however, have hope. I don't feel guilty EVERY SINGLE TIME I eat an Oreo like I once did, but sometimes I do. The frequency of feeling guilty has gone down, but I don't know if those feelings will ever completely go away. That's just something I'm going to have to keep working on.

Post Panic Attack Snap Chat

So, today, I'm okay. Balance is the key, and eating some chips is what balance looks like in my life right now.

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